Wednesday, September 17, 2008

You don't know what you got until it's gone

                         I had a trying week. My mom doesn’t like to me to air my dirty laundry in public but personally, I like to read about other people’s experiences on the internet that I can relate to. It makes me feel as though I am not alone. So If I can relate to one person, it will make me feel good. Part of this blog entry was taken from an email I sent to friends so If it sounds familiar to some, I apologize.

             I have PCOS which is poly cystic ovarian syndrome. Just cysts that keep growing on my ovaries. It is supposed to make you infertile, fat, and bleeding all the time. I was diagnosed about 5 years ago and it went away. Well, as you may have known, Jeff and I decided to try and have another baby three years ago and that never happened because of the PCOS which I had forgotten I had. So we gave up. We also actually gave up after Emma’s crazy 6th birthday party where we had 20 screaming little girls in our house for over three hours. Well the cysts came back about three months ago but worse than before. I was exhausted and going through about two pads every hour. It got pretty bad. There was maybe one or two days a month that I wasn't bleeding. Sorry if this is TMI.

             Well, on Friday I called the Dr because I was sick of it. I was exhausted and the cramps were killing me.  So they told me to come in this last Monday.  This was the day that my brother and his wife were having their baby. I had taken some blood tests and pee tests and everything to figure out what was going on with me.  I was sitting in the room waiting for my doctor, holding my phone because I knew I was going to get the call at any second because my sister in law went in for a c section. When the Dr came in I apologized for having the phone but explained to him what was going on. He asked me how I felt about that. I told him happy but a little jealous because Jeff and I had wanted another baby and it didn’t happen.  And he said, “What about this baby?”

             If you would have just told me that Mel Gibson was converting to Judaism, I wouldn’t have been as shocked as I was by what he told me.  I couldn’t even speak. I asked him how this happened and he said he didn’t know but it wasn’t all good. He was concerned that I was bleeding so much. And I had to go back to the lab to take more blood. I am not sure how this works but my levels were at 4000. If all was good my levels would be higher and that meant that my body was trying o keep the baby if they went down it meant that by body was trying to reject the baby and would eventually miscarriage. 


             Needless to say, I had a long talk with Jeff on the “what ifs.”  I was kind of excited. Honestly, I know that I am almost 100 years old but I thought it would be cool to have a baby with Alyssa and Emma there to help. I thought it would be cool to have a baby while working at Zappos because they are so amazing and supportive. And I also thought it would be cool because I was more patient now.

             The cons were that, Hello?? I am almost 100 years old. Having babies in your late 30 is for celebrities and people who have surrogates.  Also, I am tired now and too busy and my kids are already set in their ways and can make their own dinner when mommy is passed out on the couch after drinking too much Boones Farm Strawberry Hill. And, I already weigh 435; did I want to get any bigger?

             So either way, I had issues. Well it turns out my levels went down and my body would start to miscarriage soon. When he told me my options I was bummed. Honestly. Jeff however I find out was crazy relieved. He told me that if it would have happened then he would have been happy but if we had sat down and planned a baby then he would have tried to talk me out of it.   So I had three options. 1. A D& C which not only will take care of the miscarriage but will take care of my cysts as well. 2. Was to take a pill that would induce “labor” which in my case, the thing that is trying to leave my body... 3. Was to let it go naturally but that could take weeks and I am not into having a scene at work or at tap class for my daughter                       
      the D & C on Tuesday morning. crazy. I was horrible sad before.. And I was horrible sad after but now I am ok. Except I can’t get the bandage shmag off of my arm from the IV and I have a huge bruise.  

 An          I am ok. I mean it. I may or may not want a baby now. I have never been so torn in my life. But I know that I do not want to go through this again nor would I wish it on anyone. It was not a pleasant week.



unwoundrodeo said...

Cyndi, I love you so much. I am so sorry you had to experience this. I want to hug you up matter what you say(you make me laugh but I know you are hurting), you are a great mom and would be again! One of my favorite lines is from Steel Magnolias..."that which does not kill us, makes us stonger"( Imagine that being said in a very southern drawl!)It is true. Allow yourself this time to grieve, to rest, to love those around you and to live.

naperdillygirl said...

I'm guessing your name is Cyndi from the comment before mine, but I read this and I just had to make contact with you.  My heart just falls to pieces for you.  I have two live children, but I also had two still birth twins.  They were in the 20th week, and quite able to be a viable birth, but honestly God had different plans for them and for me.  Almost immediately after losing them, I conceived my son.  It was considered a high risk pregnancy because I was 30.  I had my daughter when I was 32.  

I know that right now you don't want to hear someone say "I know what you're going through" that's the last thing that helps.  Who cares if someone has been there, this is YOU.  This is YOUR pain, YOUR struggle.  But....what I can say is this, if you ever want to just vent, or talk, I can be a friend.  My email is  I would love to make a new friend, and just be there as a non family member, unbiased, with no preconceived judgments.  

I hope you feel better, every day that passes.  My best to you friend.  Sue