Friday, March 16, 2007

National Lampoon's Vacation

Day one: We leave at 8 AM sharp. No, not really, that is the time we planned on leaving. More like 8:30 AM. Jeff’s mom actually called and woke us up that morning at 6:30 AM. Thank goodness she did because who knows what time we would have woken up. The kids were giddy and we were ready. The Element was a champ, jammed pack to the seams with our crap. We made this trip with the help of a GPS system. At first it was cool. But it has a woman’s voice which really got on your nerves after a while. Every time you go off the road for a rest stop or gas, she says “Recalculating…” She starts to sound a little annoyed after the 3rd stop. She got on my last nerve by day 10. We named her Giada GPS after Jeff’s favorite chef on The Food Network. Giada is the teeny tiny chick with the low cut shirts and perky boobs. We made really good time and arrived in enough time to chill and relax. And of course, go to Denny’s. Jeff dyed my hair for me in a fantastic shade of red. (My color has now faded after only a week since I washed it with East Texas water.) As I was washing my hair out I looked in the tub and thought that with the red hair dye this would look like a crime scene. As I am thinking this, Jeff runs in the bathroom with Emma who has this explosive bloody nose. Blood was everywhere. Apparently Alyssa and she were fooling around in the bed and Alyssa clocked her with her elbow. The bathroom floor was getting redder and the towels looked like we had sacrificed a pig. With my hair dye and her nose, it wasn’t pretty. Earlier in the day Emma had eaten a cherry. While she was crying this cherry came up from her stomach and she spit it up. I thought it was some sort of blood clot and nearly passed out on the floor. Day one.

Day two. Jeff wakes up at 5 AM because he was ready to get started. 5 AM, he goes outside to smoke a ciggie. I turn on the weather channel. It says that the weather is 3 degrees. THREE! With the wind chill it is -3. Jeff wanted to smoke pretty bad because hello. Three degrees. Everything in the car was frozen. His energy drinks, waters, windshield washer near the engine, Giada, GPS, everything. His brother called to say that they left earlier than expected because there was tornado in the next town and their evening activities had been canceled. It was on, Jeff and Rick were making it a race to get to their mommies house and Rick had an edge. Jeff loaded us up and we were off. After a few hours we stopped at a Dairy Queen at a truck stop. Note to self. Don’t do it. My burger was some sort of toxic, mushroom slime that tasted like gasoline. It was near this time that we get a call from his brother that they were already in Texas. Jeff was bummed. .He then decided to drive on through to Tyler. 15 hours. 15 hours, 15 hours in a car. We did it. We arrived at 12:30 AM. We would have been there 45 minutes earlier if Jeff had kept Giada on and let her led us to Whitehouse where his mother lived. My MIL (Mother in law) was the only one waiting up for us.  They have this fantastic camper that we stay in all ready for us. They are RVers. My SIL and BIL (sister in law and brother in law) had their camper set up beside it and they had put up strings of party lights. Jeff stacked up all of the lawn chairs so they could not get out of the door in the morning.  (See pictures)

Week ahead. We had a nice relaxing time. City Mice played with Country Mice. (Alyssa and Emma and all the others.) Alyssa got herself in a few predicaments. The SIL and BIL had brought a car of sorts, a farm vehicle called a Gator that kids were driving.

All the kids drove it. Even the City Mice. Well Alyssa kind of drove the gator up the porch once. She freaked out. That gas peddle and brake does get confusing. Ask the over 80 set sometime. The second thing that happened was her run in with a little critter. Apparently the first rule of living near the woods is don’t lift logs up. Well, nobody told City Mouse and she found a snake. Yes, a snake. She ran and told Jeff who putting his guns away. He went over thinking it was a garden snake. It wasn’t. It was a Copperhead.

He shot it and became Alyssa’s hero. Well, he was before but this really made him cool.

The third thing that happened was the last night of the vacation. We had a wonderful Luau where Jeff made ribs, jalapeno corn, beans and Acini Salad.

After dinner we had a bonfire where my brother in law and nephew played the guitar and sang. We roasted marshmallows and Alyssa either fell in the fire or got tagged by a roasting fork. I am not cleared on what exactly happened. All I know is Alyssa went down and there were tears, hyperventilating and snot.

She is fine. Calm down Mom.

We had to leave a few days early because Jeff had to appraise a gun in Bum F*&% Egypt, Texas. It was actually Monahan’s, Texas but for the sake of my Christian readers I will not swear on my site. Well, not too much.

So we drove a long way down to South West Texas. A long way to this town that had nothing but the hotel we were staying in. And then we drove back to Gallup. 10 hours of driving. By the way, West Texas smells like poo. Stale, stagnant poo.

We were literally on the Mexican border and border patrol were all around us. Before y’all get bent out of shape I do not believe that is why it smelled of poo. It could have been us since we went to no less than 15 Denny’s the entire trip. There are just so many Grand Slams and Moon over my Hammy’s you can eat before it catches up to you.

So that was it, our annual trip to East Texas. Jeff got his coyote hunting in. He didn’t shoot any but he did manage to knock out a few skunks. Apparently they blow their odor out before they die. Lucky for my BIL and nephew and Jeff a strong wind came just before that and doused them in Pepe le pu. Remember those scratch and sniff stickers with the skunk on them? That is what they smelled like. Jeff got his Chick Filet and we only went to Wal Mart once.



1 comment:

linda7377 said...

I don't recall you telling me about Emma's bloody nose or Alyssa FALLING into the fire when we spoke about your trip activities!!!!!!!! Sounds like Texas is a dangerous place for city mice!!!!!!