I used to be a very complex person, or so I thought. I was riddled by stress at all angles. In high school, it was whether or not I would be asked to go party on Friday or if Stace and I could get away with staying at the dorms past midnight, or whether Mike* would choose me to hang with rather then the chick he was really in love with.
In College I was drowning in stress from my grades, to my roommate, to bills, and jobs. College was a really hard time for me because I honestly do not think that 18 is old enough to make decisions on your own. I stressed about a major and I stressed about my English teacher. She was this idiot who failed me because she hated my writing. I argued with her that I did the work, she shouldn’t fail me if the work was done and her not liking my writing was a matter of opinion. I hated her. We had an assignment to write about how a movie had impacted or lives. I had written 8 pages on the Wizard of Oz and how each character represented something that Dorothy was looking for. (I.e. Courage, knowledge, heart, etc.) I wrote that it was actually Dorothy’s self worth that she was trying to get home not her physical body. I thought it was brilliant. I also wrote how I related with Dorothy, that I too was looking for courage, knowledge and a heart. She gave me a D for not understanding the project. She told me that I wrote a synopsis of the movie instead of the actual assignment. I saw that a person in my class wrote about “Top Gun” and she got a “B”.
I wasn’t ready and I royally screwed things up. Later when I left then came back I was smarter and more patient. I wrote poetry and considered myself “deep” and complex. I wore cute clothes and hats and I lived in the now.
I have cooled down on my stressing lately. At least I hope I have. I have normal, rational stress now. The kids, money, the dogs, my job. My arms aren’t an itchy, scratchy excema mess that it once was. I do eat a lot and it isn’t always because I am hungry. I cry a lot more now and it isn’t always because I am sad. I worry about the girls and what they are taking in and what they will become. I am constantly thinking and wish that sometimes I can just “shut down”
* Mike – my high school love that was in college and did not realize how much I really thought about him.