Wednesday, June 14, 2006

This blog isn't even good anymore.

I feel as though I used to be a lot more complex than I am now. I feel very boring which can be good and comforting but sometimes I need more. When I was in college I thrived on drama. Figuratively and literally. I was a theater major who loved the crap that came with that social group. Who slept with whom, who was gay, who was smoking what, etc…. The most important thing was, what was everyone doing on Friday night and am I invited? I had a huge crush on this guy, Blair. He was about 20 years older than me and a much respected actor in the college theater circuit. (Yes, do the math, I was 21, and he was about 40 and still in the college theater scene.) Anyway, all the “younger” actors wanted to be like him and be respected like him. I just wanted to be a part of his “clique.” I knew that if Blair liked me then the others would too. They would respect me as one of them. I never really found out how Blair thought of me. He never even so much as kissed me. He did teach me a lot about movies and 70’s music. I guess he was my friend since he called me a lot. Anyway, at the time, that was my biggest concern. Now it is whether or not Alyssa gets in the school I want her to go to or if Emma does her “y’s” the right way. I miss the excitement of no responsibility. I love my kids but I miss myself. I am now in a body I do not recognize and I am lost in a routine of wife and mommy. There is such much I want to do. So many plans I have made for myself as far as working out, dieting, knitting, sewing, gardening, decorating. Endless lists that I never complete or even get started. I am so exhausted when I come home from work that the days slip away. I feel guilty for wanting more. I have a beautiful life (knock wood) Fantastic kids and a fabulous husband. I feel guilty for wanting an outlet. But I think I need an extra boost. It used to be knitting until I got bored with the scarves. I never really got into scrap booking and I don’t dare join a health club again because the guilt of not going will just about kill me. Turning tricks is so 1989 and getting tattoos just for fun has been done. Now that the Kabbalah craze seems to be over I may look into that. Far be it to me to do what everyone else is doing.  (Yes Mom, I know, the prairie girl skirt… yawn) What do you think? Collecting unicorns or Disney Memorabilia? Maybe I should get an actor crush and obsess about him. Somebody easily obtainable. Rick Schroeder? Will Wheaton?   

2 comments:

linda7377 said...

Your blog is wonderful. I love it! But you have to love it too. I see you want more umph in your life... a hobby? a night out? nights out with your husband? You have to figure out what's missing and how to fulfill the drama.  Sometimes everyday, same stuff gets to you and you want something different. Maybe on Sundays Jeff can take the girls somewhere for a few hours and you can do whatever you want to do, just for you. It doesn't have to be every Sunday but once in a while just enough for you to catch your breath. Just a thought!

loraloo0604 said...

You're not alone.  Sometimes I miss who I used to be, sometimes I miss a carefree lifestyle with drama and excitement.  I agree with the first comment - take some time to be you.  Get a night out with the hubby, and/or by yourself, and take a breath.  You still need time to just be Cyndi.  Karl and I take a day off together every now and then and do something fun.  I've even taken a day off by myself and went to the spa and got pampered.